I went through a rough patch. I cried to the point where I couldn’t remember a day I had not cried. I felt something on me, preventing me from breathing correctly. There was a never-ending to-do list on my mind. Guilt spread through me whenever I found myself not doing something productive, even if a break was well deserved. I quickly grew tired of feeling dreadful. But it seemed like the harder I tried to bring back a positive attitude, the more disappointment and negative feelings I felt. Something had to change. I tried changing up my habits and routine, but that didn’t help much this time. I didn’t know what to do.
I was running out of ideas and in the middle of a breakdown, so I changed my major. I dropped the two classes related to said major. Panic swept over me as soon as I clicked “confirm.” I avoided thinking about what I had done for hours, but once the realization of what I had done sunk in, I felt better. Lighter even. I didn’t realize how much stress those two classes added to my life. Although I guess I should have known. (Trust your vibes, as cheesy as that sounds.)
Since that Wednesday night, I’ve felt much better. I feel alive and present, something I have been longing to feel for months. I moved a couple of months ago, and if I am being honest, I haven’t fully appreciated it. Not until a couple of days ago. While gratitude stayed with me through this time, I did not fully feel the extent of my blessings. I realized that I am finally where I dreamed of being the past few years. I did it. I dance like no one is watching to songs I pictured myself dancing to in my own place. I am going to embrace this feeling of being present, of being alive and enjoy it while I can. I hope it lasts so long I forget how it feels to live without it. But I know myself. I know life. There will come a time where I miss this feeling.
Maybe my mood change can be credited to the fact that I was no longer on my period and I was no longer sick or that the sun had finally come out after days of rain. Whatever it was, I am grateful that it finally took me out of my rut.
I am going to make these “Quote of the Month” posts sort of like life updates.